If God is dead, how on His good Earth do pulled pork nachos exist?
Technically this is a blog post. I have still posted every day. But it will be updated when I am not on an iPhone and have something to say.
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Fantasy Football Drafting for My Sister: How’d I Do?
Fantasy football experts, assemble!
I want to get some opinions on the team I selected. I have not played fantasy football in two years. Reasons? Mostly my declining interest in the NFL as a whole but still wanting to watch the games without being influenced by “oh I have this guy on my team.” Even more than all that, though, I simply didn’t wanna.
But my sister asked me a few days ago: “I’ll be on a plane during my fantasy draft this year. Could you pick for my team?” Sure, why not. I am rusty, but I couldn’t be that bad. I mean, several other people chose kickers before the last round.
So I ask you now, people who play fantasy football, was I that bad? Let me know in the comments or on Twitter @JamesSantelli.
Settings, Scoring
- 12-team league
- Points per reception
- ESPN standard scoring (1 pt per 25 passing yards, 1 pt per 10 rushing/receiving yards, 4 pts per TD pass, 6 pts per TD run/catch, etc.)
- Basic team: 1 QB, 2 RB, 2 WR, 1 RB/WR, 1 TE, 1 D/ST, 1 K
- 8th overall pick
My Picks
Maybe this picture of Eddie Lacy will liven up a terrible blog post!
- QB Tom Brady
- QB Carson Palmer
- RB Eddie Lacy
- RB Toby Gerhart
- RB Shane Vereen
- RB Lamar Miller
- RB Terrance West
- WR Dez Bryant
- WR Antonio Brown
- WR Golden Tate
- WR Rueben Randle
- WR Brian Hartline
- TE Rob Gronkowski
- D/ST Buccaneers
- K Blair Walsh
1st Round
8th: Eddie Lacy, RB, Green Bay
(Also considered: Jimmy Graham, TE, New Orleans)
2nd Round
17th: Dez Bryant, WR, Dallas
(Also considered: A.J. Green, WR, Cincinnati)
3rd Round
32nd: Antonio Brown, WR, Pittsburgh
(Also considered: Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Arizona)
4th Round
41st: Rob Gronkowski, TE, New England
(Also considered: Andre Ellington, RB, Arizona)
5th Round
56th: Toby Gerhart, RB, Jacksonville
(Also considered: Ryan Mathews, RB, San Diego)
6th Round
65th: Tom Brady, QB, New England
(Also considered: Matt Ryan, QB, Atlanta)
7th Round
80th: Shane Vereen, RB, New England
(Also considered: Marques Colston, WR, New Orleans)
8th Round
89th: Golden Tate, WR, Detroit
(Also considered: Mike Wallace, WR, Miami)
9th Round
104th: Lamar Miller, RB, Miami
(Also considered: Fred Jackson, RB, Buffalo)
10th Round
113th: Rueben Randle, WR, NY Giants
(Also considered: Brandin Cooks, WR, New Orleans; Tony Romo, QB, Dallas)
11th Round
128th: Terrance West, RB, Cleveland
(Also considered: Danny Woodhead, RB, San Diego)
12th Round
137th: Brian Hartline, WR, Miami
(Also considered: Dwayne Bowe, WR, Kansas City)
13th Round
152nd: Carson Palmer, QB, Cincinnati
(Also considered: Ryan Tannehill, I guess)
14th Round
161st: Buccaneers D/ST
(Also considered: Bears D/ST)
15th Round
176th: Blair Walsh, K, Minnesota
(Also considered: Are you kidding me? It’s a kicker, man.)
LEAVE YOUR THOUGHTS IN THE COMMENTS. TELL ME I SUCK!
Attending My First Gymnastic Event: A Series of Whoa’s
I’ve seen many types of sports in-person, as you can guess: football, soccer, baseball, basketball, ice hockey, field hockey, water polo, track and field, tennis, lacrosse, volleyball, even team handball.
But one sport had avoided the desecration that comes with my attendance: gymnastics. Somehow I never made it to London’s O2 Arena (née Millennium Dome) for gymnastics during the 2012 Olympics. Perhaps that was for the best; if my first experience with a sport is at its highest level and pitch, how can I possibly enjoy anything less? This is the first-worldiests of first-world problems.
So it was that my first time watching real-life gymnastics was Thursday and Friday for the P&G Championships at Consol Energy Center. The talent and prowess on the floor and through the air astounded me. I came away amazed by the athleticism and artistry at all. Shall I call it sporting Cirque du Soleil? I hope it does not denigrate these athletes to be compared to high-level theatre. I mean only to praise.
I watched girls born in 1998 perform such acrobatics on a 3.9-inch-wide beam that a more worrisome person would consider child endangerment. I saw men built to cartoonish physiques rotate around a pommel horse with strength beyond human. The vaults, the rings, the bars, the sheer absurdity of the forms these athletes painted in the air… am I overzealous? These are supremely strong humans who labor to perfect a form.
Consol Energy Center, usually decked for hockey, made for a fabulous gymnastics host.
I’m not sure if this is the way all gymnastics meets run, as I’ve only been to two now, but the men’s and women’s formats are quite different. First, the women’s event: 11 competitors on four apparatuses (apparati?), split up on two apparatuses at a time. Every performance was separated, leaving some downtime as you wait for the next athlete.
This format, admittedly, makes the pace a bit slow and boring. As it was the first day of events and no medals would be awarded on the day, waiting between events became a chore rather than building up anticipation.
Contrast that scene with the men’s format: 33 competitors are split up to each of the six men’s apparatuses. Unlike the women, these guys aren’t taking turns for the attention of the crowd. Let’s go: one on vault, one on pommel horse, rings, high bar, parallel bars, floor exercise, all at once. For all intents, this is a completely different sport. It is frantic and kinetic. Study up on the program to see who the past Olympians and National Champions are, then pay attention to their performances.
That brings me to another stark difference between the women’s session and men’s session: name recognition. I could remember names that popped on NBC with five rings, like Jonathan Horton, Danell Leyva, Jake Dalton, John Orozco and Sam Mikulak, and I focused on them when they were on an apparatus. It also helped that most of the elite men wore the uniform of Team Hilton HHonors, which is both the team financially supported by USA Gymnastics and a ridiculous example of Corporate America creating a word with two H’s in which both are silent.
Point is, I knew the guys.
I couldn’t bring the same knowledge to the women’s competition. Perhaps this is on me needing to know more about the sport and the top American athletes. Fact is, all five of the U.S. men from London showed up to Pittsburgh. Only one of the women did. Isn’t this supposed to be the national championship? I wagged my finger at Pittsburghers not filling up the seats. But if it has become a truism that most Americans only care about gymnastics during the Olympics and your event has only one former Olympian in Kyla Ross, well, you reap the smaller crowds you sow.
(A side note: I’m certain USA Gymnastics gets untold money letting Procter and Gamble be the title sponsor for its top competition. P&G seems like a fantastic partner to the sport in America. I also believe you could garner larger crowds and more attention if you are able to call your national championships “the national championships,” and not a corporate-titled event that sounds like it could be any ol’ competition.)
But to conclude, I’ll give mainstream America at least one reason they should care: Simone Biles. People. This young lady has been industrial-engineered and performance-tested to optimal specifications. Even speaking as a novice to the sport privy only because of Olympic-based viewings, I can tell you she deserves the mechanical metaphor. Biles represents what happens when God takes 57 inches of muscle and stuffs it into a person. You don’t become World All-Around Champion without sharpness in all four areas, but Biles’ floor exercise nearly sent me into stunned disbelief. How does one do that?
What a shame it would be for Biles to not get her rightful Olympic glory because of a biological clock. She was born in March 1997, just barely too young to qualify for London Games eligibility, and may be a tad too far past her prime (yeah, at age 19) to win in Rio. I suppose that’s gymnastics for ya. But Biles’ fantastic abilities provide a perfect example of why this sport is too good, these athletes too astonishing, to be treated as a quadrennial sideshow.
The USC Annenberg Files: 15 People You Should Hire Instead of Me
This week, for the last four years, I was heading back to a most fantastic place: the University of Southern California. And now I’m not.
What a strange feeling. I miss this week: the days before the school year starts. I don’t miss the actual school year much, but the off-days, of course!
Plus, the lucky brats at the Annenberg School for Communication & Journalism get a new building this year. Those ungrateful… brats.
Look at this exterior.
Bask in the glow of this newsroom!
GAZE UPON THE MAJESTY OF THIS NEW STUDIO!
I decided I wanted to write about a few of the classmates with whom I was lucky to work (and drink). If you’re a friend of mine and you’re not on this list, I secretly hate you I’ll be writing more of these lists as a demonstration of gratitude for my friends. Take a chill pill.
Plus, I still have more than 350 of these blog posts to go, and I’m always strapped for ideas. These were the first 15 names that came to mind, the Opening 15:
Kristen Rodgers — If you are ever going to lead an organization with someone, do it with Kristen. She is uncommonly organized and dedicated, works as hard as a Puritan and will do the things you don’t want to do. Add in the fact that she is a dynamite sports reporter and a good-looking blonde, and you’ll see her on one of your national sports shows soon enough.
(If any potential employers read the previous paragraph, Kristen was a lazy figurehead. I did everything myself.)
Elisa Hernandez — Another my partner-in-crime in producing the sports-balls of Annenberg TV News, and you couldn’t ask for a better one. Elisa was dedicated in keeping the website and social media updated with fresh content every day, along with many other tasks that were probably my job instead of hers. Sports job hirers: if you need a do-it-all digital whiz, give her a call.
Evan Budrovich — I am only lucky that I graduated one year ahead of him, so I get a 12-month head-start on applying for the sportscasting jobs that he would get. All the skills I think I have? Evan has more — knowledge, great voice, broadcasting acumen and overall handsomeness. I better get out of the sports broadcasting business before Evan takes every job.
Sarah Sax — She has a work ethic for days and interests in all the things I usually find boring (meaning politics). I don’t know if Sarah is going to become a political reporter, a national TV producer or head of the Anti-Defamation League. She could do any of them.
Jessica Benson — Screw Jessica. She gets to do everything I want to in life: traveling to the Final Four and National Championships, working for ESPN, doing sideline reporting for baseball, getting an awesome sports anchoring job, meeting Bob Costas and Al Michaels. If she weren’t an amazing person who deserves everything she gets, I would loathe her.
Paige Graham — While she’s working on the web side of things now, but you’re going to see Paige anchoring Super Bowl coverage some day. She possesses some rare traits, not the least of which was putting up with my awful jokes every Wednesday and during several classes. The ability to survive hours with me without clawing your own eyes out is perhaps the rarest trait of all.
Mike Piellucci — This dude was the finest wordsmith I had the privilege of editing at Neon Tommy. No one else pushed me to a thesaurus more. I don’t know why the hell he wrote for our silly website, but I’m glad he did. He’s a knockout writer, and we’re just lucky that he chooses to write about sports.
Katie Rooney — Or Kate, if you’re going by her professional name. The powers-that-be stuck a 19-year-old sophomore with a 30-year-old grad student to run Neon Tommy Sports, and it’s a credit to the grad student that we didn’t sink the site and I did not end up murdered. Generous with her time and a better leader than I could hope to be, I know she is killing it with Pac-12 Networks.
Aaron Fischman — Meet another one of my classmates who works three times as hard as I do. And it shows. He’s a smart, terrific writer who has forgotten more about basketball than I will ever remember. Keep your nose to the grindstone, Aaron. Good things are coming.
Will Robinson — A fellow leader at Neon Tommy: a great editor and an even better friend. Whether he ends up writing about football or basketball, you can expect intelligence and humor from his work. But as a Sacramento Kings fan, he is an unfortunate glutton for punishment.
Alexa Girkout — Another person I am lucky to graduate in front of, because if she sticks to baseball writing instead of silly little music writing, she’ll take another job that I would be looking to get. However, she does like my puns, which means she ought to be put in an insane asylum.
Matt Leland — The inverse is true here: I am unfortunate to be younger than the smart and talented Matt Leland. He was the best baseball play-by-play announcer I had the privilege to work with. If he ever gets back to that vocation (though I can’t blame him for saddling up with MLB Advance Media), he’ll be on a Major League announcing track.
Nick Burton — This guy is incredibly kind and even more incredibly hard-working. I could give Nick many compliments, but let me just summarize by saying: If I am ever lucky enough to hire a producer in the future, Nick will be the first person I call.
Jeremy Bergman — I’ve said it before, but it is very difficult to be funny in print writing. Jeremy does it, somehow, and did professional work for an amateur site. Soon he’ll be one of your favorite sports writers. He was one of my favorites to edit.
Jacob Freedman — I left Neon Tommy in good hands with Jacob. He had better ideas for the site than I ever did and remains devoted to producing a quality sports section. He brought fantastic experience from 30-some-odd internships he has had. I don’t know how he finds all that time.
Again, this will be just the first of several editions in which I laud the abilities of my classmates. I haven’t forgotten you.
Simpsons Marathon Weekend: 10 Episodes to DVR
This is the kind of weekend you remember forever. I’m only sort of kidding.
The Simpsons will air all weekend long on FXX as part of the network’s “Every Simpsons Ever” marathon, celebrating the network’s exclusive cable rights to the show. As impressive as it is to run 552 episodes (plus the movie!) over 12 days, the latter part of the marathon will consist of the less-good recent seasons.
So this weekend is the sweet spot. The show gets beyond its sometimes-awkward early seasons and gets into best-comedy-ever territory. If you are new to the show, or you simply want to re-live the finest episodes the show has to offer (roughly Seasons 4 through 8), I provide this guide of the 10 episodes to DVR this weekend.
Marge vs. the Monorail
(Friday, 9:00 p.m.)
This is possibly my favorite episode of all-time. It is one of the funniest half-hours of television I have ever seen, and I am head-over-heels for Phil Hartman as the Music Man-parodying Phil Hartman. “Monorail” is comedic songwriting at the show’s finest.
Whacking Day
(Saturday, 1:00 a.m.)
The writers put out some delicious satire over these seasons, one of which is “Whacking Day,” skewering local politics, public education and mob mentality with aplomb.
Cape Feare
(Saturday, 3:00 a.m.)
There are several great episodes involving Bart trying to evade the murderous Sideshow Bob. This one is my favorite.
Who Shot Mr. Burns
(Sunday, 1:30 a.m.)
Okay, this is a bit of a cheat because it’s a two-part episode. But this is too much of a classic to miss.
King-Size Homer
(Sunday, 5:00 a.m.)
This list may be a bit Homer-episode-heavy (no pun intended), but these seasons are where the writers really hit the sweet spot of making the protagonist lovable and oafish without being a total idiot. For Homer, the idea of gaining 61 pounds in order to work from home makes complete sense.
It also features an underrated classic joke. When Homer causes a gas leak that destroys a corn field, the poor farmer can only lament: “Oh no, the corn! Paul Newman’s gonna have ma’ legs broke!”
22 Short Films About Springfield
(Sunday, Noon)
Not every one of the vignettes is a knockout, but the whole is greater than the sum, in part because of the brilliant ways director Jim Reardon transitions between each story.
My favorites? Apu having a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off lark as he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart for five minutes; Dr. Nick being utilized for a crazy procedure on Grampa; a Pulp Fiction parody as Chief Wiggum discovers McDonald’s; Nelson taunting the extremely tall man; and of course, Principal Skinner and his steamed hams.
Summer of 4 Ft. 2
(Sunday, 1:30 p.m.)
As you re-live the Simpsons’ glory years, The AV Club explorations of classic episodes act as a nice guide. I particularly liked Dennis Perkins’ recent piece on “Summer of 4 Ft. 2.”
Of all the myriad residents of Springfield, Lisa is the most alone. Sure, her family loves her—in their way—but her intelligence sets her apart, even as the little girl in her wants nothing more than to be one of the crowd. Lisa appeals to every viewer who looks at the craziness and boorishness of a loud, dumb world and longs to both transcend it and be embraced by it. And since Springfield is our world, only exponentially crazier and more boorish, Lisa’s isolation is even more profound.
This strikes at my heart. Lisa, I can relate. Maybe you can too.
You Only Move Twice
(Sunday, 3:00 p.m.)
If it’s not on everyone’s list of top-five favorite episodes, it does feature one of the greatest one-off characters in Simpsons history. Albert Brooks is perfect as Hank Scorpio, Homer’s too-nice-to-be-true boss at his new job in Cypress Creek. Scorpio and the new-age workplace play a fantastic dynamic as the place Homer finally feels accepted for his… particular style of work ethic. Watch to the end for the brilliant James Bond-esque parody song.
The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show
(Sunday, 9:00 p.m.)
The episode is a hilarious send-up of cartoon tropes and an inside-baseball critique of executive tampering with beloved programs. Let’s not forget the Simpsons writers commenting on fan criticism of their show:
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn’t great, but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They’re giving you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them!
Comic Book Guy: …Worst episode ever.
And don’t forget Roy.
Homer vs. the 18th Amendment
(Sunday, 11:00 p.m.)
Some of my favorite episodes position Homer opposite goofy one-time characters. When a prohibitionist movement sparks up in Springfield, Homer becomes a bootlegger being chased by Rex Banner, a fedora-wearing officer whose idea of speaking plainly and simply involves asking “Where’d you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?”
Why the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge is Actually Good
Quick blog post today. Let’s blame it on my continued recovery from taking the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge at the behest of my brother Andrew. What a jerk.
Here was the result:
It’s time to beat ALS. If I can do a small part by dumping chilly water over my head and chipping in a few dollars to the ALS Association, I’ll do it.
The goals of the challenge are two-fold: raise awareness (Check. Do you really know anyone right now who hasn’t heard of the challenge?) and raise money for ALS care and research (check times $31.5 million).
Opportunists, aka Lame-O’s, are criticizing the challenge and the movement. Let’s not help them further by linking to them, but you know who I am talking about. Thankfully, their petty complaints have been drowned out by good will, kindness and generosity. Are some of the participants slacktivists? Sure. But ultimately, this is all a good thing.
My hope is that the Ice Bucket Challenge, which has been championed largely by us pesky Millennials, starts something of a revolution in charitable giving. I particularly like one of the themes of the challenge: public shaming (in a good-humored social media way) of those who do not answer the call. You get 24 hours: donate or ice yourself, or better yet, do both. We’re all doing this together.
The possibility seems to be that if we band together, we can cure a disease. And we should continue to think this way. Our generation can move mountains and fix the ills of the often-diseased Earth we’ve inherited. But we need to work together.
I encourage you to watch this TED Talk from Dan Pallotta (as douchey as that sentence sounds). Many people see charities the wrong way, wanting them to be efficient in getting their donations directly to the cause and to not “waste” money on overhead.
Pallotta says we are dead wrong with this attitude. One point he makes deserves to be quoted in full:
“We’ve all been taught that charities should spend as little as possible on overhead things like fundraising under the theory that, well, the less money you spend on fundraising, the more money there is available for the cause. Well, that’s true if it’s a depressing world in which this pie cannot be made any bigger. But if it’s a logical world in which investment in fundraising actually raises more funds and makes the pie bigger, then we have it precisely backwards, and we should be investing more money, not less, in fundraising, because fundraising is the one thing that has the potential to multiply the amount of money available for the cause that we care about so deeply.”
(Emphasis added.)
Our generation can be one of change in charity with the goal of accomplishing huge feats like curing diseases, ending hunger in the United States and eliminating malaria. I encourage you to create a list of the big charities out there doing great work. Even if you, like me, don’t make a lot of money, create the list anyway. Then, whatever you can give, do it. Have your favored charities and support them. Encourage friends to do the same. Come up with your own challenge. I’ll do the same.
Let’s disrupt the charity.
New Study Shows Tuesday Night to be Sexiest Night of the Week
Sayonara, Saturday. Farewell, Friday. Think again, Thursday. The sexiest night of the week is Tuesday, according to scientists at the Stanford University Institute for Debauchery Research.
The new study contradicts conventional wisdom that weekend evenings provide peak sex appeal and opportunities for general hot-bloodedness. But researchers analyzed the habits and feelings of 1,372 young adults each day of the week and found that Tuesday night offers the optimal environment for getting down.
“There’s a stereotype, one that’s very difficult to break, that Friday and Saturday evenings are the hotness,” said Dr. Robert Seager, a Stanford professor who first had the idea for the study. “I wanted to start from scratch, with no preconceptions, and use new formulas to measure the hedonism of each day.
Music icons of the early 1970s created the now-longstanding idea that Saturday was the sexiest of the seven days, said Seager, raising the profile of the week’s final day with such hit songs as Chicago’s “Saturday in the Park” and Elton John’s “Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting).”
Seager notes that Saturday night may have in fact been “peak sexy” during the 1970s and the 1980s, but he believes his institute’s study confirms that today’s young people should find Tuesday to be even steamier than the weekend.
“If people had listened to me — to my research — back in the day, I always had suspicions that the early part of the week had its merits,” Seager said. “You’re looking for ladies who have all of the skills? Are you young? Restless? Bored? Head out on a Tuesday.”
The Institute for Debauchery Research (IDR) studied subjects between the ages of 20 to 29 (“the sexiest decade,” Seager notes). The study emphasized quantitative aspects of sexiness, including hemline index, abdominal saturation, grenade avoidance, makeup retention and subjects evaluating members of the opposite sex on the “traditional” 1-to-10 scale.
IDR’s conclusion that Tuesday night represented the height of eroticism was surprising to many of the researchers, including D. Michael Carter, a graduate fellow on the project.
“I just always thought the weekends were the sexiest segment of the week,” Carter said. “But when you analyze the data set, it proves that Tuesday has the greatest concentration of bodies that got that A1 credit — that filet mignon, if you will.”
Carter reiterated that the institute was not interested in finding the day most people frequent bars and clubs, but rather the day that featured the highest average of appealing individuals.
“Sure, you’ll always find hotties on Fridays and Saturdays. We’re not reinventing the wheel,” Carter said. “We just want people to know that if you go out on a Tuesday, you will generally find a higher percentage of lovely lady lump and shawties who tend to wanna hump.
“The science just proves it.”
James Santelli 